Looking for a sort of meaning in life feels tiresome. Maintaining a sense of importance seems impossible. What do I matter?

Over the course of my own life I have struggled to sense of importance and deep meaning to my existence, leading to most of my life being used as a way to secure the illusion of that through self-degrading joke, being others doormat, and sacrificing my wants for others wants.

I lack an identity, any esteem, and even hope for something more than what I already have. Isn’t this my limit, where I am and who I am? The person I exist as in the life that my choices have lead me to what I deserve. Would asking for more be too, would trying to climb a higher mount only lead me to inevitably falling? Am I destined to stay here simply because if I believed I deserved more I would only be put back in my place by some greater force? It often feels that way, it feels hopeless.

I simply don’t matter.

My friends, family, and many other people say otherwise but I don’t care. It all feel fake or forced even though there is truth in it. Of course I matter, because I am living breathing matter. Because I am so “nice”, “hardworking”, and “smart”. Is that all though? Why isn’t that enough, why do I want more than to be those things.

Living is so unsatisfying when you live in hopes of avoid suffering. What exactly do I mean by this? I mean that everything I do is to avoid suffering: to stop the suffering for myself and for the people that I am close to. What does it matter if I live like that, but that’s not how I want to live. I’ve grown sick of myself, leading to me feel sick of others. How do you love and appreciate me, this version of myself isn’t really me, it is only an aspect that I have made more easily accessible to deal with the rejection I’ve experienced.

After years of believing I should become mean and cold, I instead can to the realization that my problem is that I don’t have my priorities, my boundaries, and my self- esteem where it should be. These fundamental elements of my life have been the cause of my suffering, along with the facilitation of other people care and affection towards me. I didn’t put them at the level that they are for my personal development, no, they exist to give myself value, one that is worthless to me.

I have to learn to accept that I am going to have to put those higher levels without become selfish and egotistical, just enough to get up this mountain. I can’t live in the mountains cave any longer, I will go insane if I do. I have to face the fear that I will fall off, otherwise I won’t see where my limit really is. I won’t have live a meaningful life to me, which is I’ve come to realize at 22 is more important.

I’m not here to sacrifice my life so that others can live, selfish as it sounds. I’ve snuffed out my own potential for years out of fear of failure and in hope for others success. But I’m twenty-two and have yet to truly live and experience life for myself. I’m done.

So for the start towards a greater tomorrow for myself I need to focus on what is important, set better boundaries, and to build my esteem (my holy water).

“Most Men die at 25, we just bury them at 75”

-Benjamin Franklin

If you relate to me, then I hope for the best for you on you journey. Here’s to moving towards something meaningful.