Okay, I’ve been gone and inconsistent with my writing which I’m disappointed in myself for doing.

Roughly 2 months ago my mother had a moment of rage and said some things she should not have said to me and some family members who were 3 hours away. And for the first time in my life I said some things back to her. It was only once I got it all out of my system I apologized to but told her that no one was going to tolerate her behavior.

I have been reminded more than enough about her Bipolar and trauma, I have made excuses for her and sacrificed autonomy out of obligations. I believed that if I gave her the time she needed to prepare and get her life together she would be happy and I would finally be able to live my life without anxiety or fear. Sadly through out life it seemed she would take a step forward then somehow be 2 steps behind, and take me back with her.

And yes she my mother but I couldn’t take the constant feel of helplessness, entrapment, and stagnation. For her to tell me for years that she was going to help me pay for college and a car but find myself still waiting. Having to make choices and investments for myself so I can progress in my life.

She told me to drop off my keys and not come home again. And I did. Though she believes I made a spare. I know why she thinks that but I’m disappointed that she thinks I would sneak in the house without her telling me that it was okay.

But outside of that, I can’t complain. I’m not struggling on the streets or for food. And I’m thankful for the people in my life for what they do to help me manage while I apply for SNAP and GA.

I still worry that I’ll end up failing life. My high school friends who graduate with bachelors or are going to graduate with bachelors. Friends in relationships, who get to experience someone loving them as they are. Others who have their own apartments.

Where will I be? Will I be successful? Should I even bother fighting my fate?

My mind is on loop with these thoughts. I’m afraid that I am predestined for a life where I smile and watch as everyone leave me behind.

As for the moment I am taking free courses through my public library and other resources. I am interested in learning Cloud Computing/ Engineering. It is a growing job and is in IT/ Computer Science. I’ll see where it goes, if it fails then that’s okay, at least I tried instead of giving up on myself like I have in the past.

I am planing on using my blog to help me to show off projects and share with others on what I learned (whether that is Cloud related or not). Only the future knows, and I am going to step up and do my best.